Grief. It hurts. It’s exhausting. It has been just over a month and I still can’t believe this is our reality. It’s like you wake up in the morning and as soon as you open your eyes, you realize that rock, that really heavy rock that feels like it is sitting on your head, is still there. You feel like you have a lump in your throat. But the alarm is going off. You have to get the kids ready for school. You have to feed them breakfast and make school lunches. You and your husband have a busy day of work. So you get up and you go thru the motions.
But then you get your kids off to school and there is that moment of aloneness…that moment when you stop and think. You think about your horrible loss. You question how could this be. You look at his picture and think, how can this be. Then that feeling of anxiety in your chest comes. It’s like you feel like you can’t breathe. It is all in your chest. It’s like a panic attack. The more the anxiety builds, the more your mind wonders, what has happened? This is reality. But how? You realize that the reality is that Baby James passed away at just 22 months old. Then you feel like you are going to throw up.
You give yourself a pep talk. You tell yourself you need to be strong and you have to move about your day. So you do. But then your phone rings. It’s your friend. You know why she is calling. She wants to know how you are doing. She cares. But then the anxiety returns. You want to be strong and talk to your friend. You are afraid to answer because the tears will come all over again. So you don’t answer. She kindly calls again an hour later. You still don’t have the strength to answer. So you don’t.
I keep asking myself “Why?” Why did God take Baby James at 22 months? People say he is in a better place. Heaven is the ultimate place. But a 22 month old belongs at the park. They belong at the zoo. They belong in their parents arms. 22 months seems to young for heaven. But James is there. I am a fixer and I can’t fix this. There isn’t anything I can do about the fact that Baby James is in heaven.
A couple of months ago my cousin approached me and asked me to become a Health & Fitness Coach. They are many reasons I said yes, mainly because I like to help people. I know first hand what health and fitness does for a person and I want to help others experience the benefits. But one of my reasons for becoming a Coach was not personal development. Personal development and reading books was just not my thing. But it is highly encouraged as a Health & Fitness Coach. So I started to do it. I learned to think of things I am grateful for. I started to keep a journal. I have been told, “lean into the pain.” And I have also been told, “listen to the whisper.” There is this voice that keeps whispering, take this pain and use it to help people. The voice whispers to me everyday.
So I ask myself, why did God take Baby James so soon? My heart is so broken that there isn’t a bottle of glue big enough to put it back together. But then I lean into the pain and listen to the whisper…mend your heart with what James gave you. God gave me 22 months with James for a reason. He could have not given me those 22 months. But God did. And the whisper tells me there is a reason. I got to go to the beach with James. I got to go to Disney with James. James came to visit me in NC. I got to spend my birthday with James. I got to use my iPhone over and over to take silly selfies with James. I got to watch him walk for practically the very first time. Even though I live in NC and James lived in NJ, I got to spend a lot of time with him. I love James like he is one of my own. I will always love James. And what I am so very grateful for is the gift of love he game me. He filled my heart with love. I love to look at his pictures and his cute face. His smile.
So I will let the love James’ gave me and his smile guide me. I will let this horrible incident remind me that life is truly a gift and we best make the most of it because every minute is a gift we are not guaranteed to receive. I will use my pain to help others. The whisper tells me to help others. Help people see their joy. Help people create their joy. Help people feel good about themselves.
I decided that I wanted to get something that I could look at on a daily basis to help keep this message in front of me…something that was symbolic of James and would be a daily reminder of the love he game me. I thought about a painting. Maybe I would get a painting of an Angel. Or maybe I would get a painting of an airplane. James loved airplanes. I had just attended a fundraiser at an art gallery and there were some local artists that I thought maybe I could call and ask if they could paint me something special. Before I could make the call, my doorbell rang. It was my friend. She came to offer her condolences and she had a package in her hand. I opened it. It was a painting of an Angel.
She did not know I wanted a painting. I can’t help but think it’s another whisper. Listen to the whisper…
