On April 12th, I was sitting in my home office doing some work. It was early afternoon and I received a text message. I read the message & I instantly felt like I might faint. I felt so weak, I went to bed. I briefly got up around dinner time but then I went back to bed. I told my husband he needed to take care of the kids, as I would not be getting up.
But you see, I am not a sleeper. I don’t take naps. I am usually pretty strong. I am a fixer. I like to fix things, people, situations. I just want everyone to be happy & healthy. But I wasn’t sure how to fix the current situation, so I weakened…and I went to bed. The next morning came, a school morning, and I briefly got up to make my children their school lunches. I went back to bed. I was weak. My mind was not strong and therefore I was not strong. I had it in my mind that I would just go to sleep for like 2 or 3 days & then I would wake up and everything would be ok. That was my plan. My mind was set.
But on that morning, April 13th, after my children & husband left the house & I went back to bed, my phone rang. I did not answer. The person left a message. Then this whisper came, this voice that said, listen to the message. I did.
After I listened to the message, I made several phone calls. They were all a nightmare. Wanting to wake up from my nightmare, I got up and got dressed. I went outside to my front porch. I stood there, pulling on my clothes, slapping myself in the face. I could feel the air on my face. I looked down at my phone and all the calls were listed on my phone. The calls were not part of a nightmare. They were real. Baby James had passed away. My life had changed forever.
So here it is, 2 months later. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I think about is James. I think about how I will go about my day. One thing I have learned, really learned, is life is truly a gift. And the truth is, we just don’t know when that gift will be taken back. I didn’t get to see James before he was taken back. We didn’t know the gift of James would be taken back so soon. But I am not bitter, because I know that James knew I loved him.
One of my biggest fears in life is if a family member or friend passed away, would I be okay with what our last encounter was. Luckily, I am at peace with James. I know he knew I loved him. I know he knew his mom and dad and big bro Jack loved him. I know he knew his family, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles & cousins loved him. Everyone loved James.
So, my wish for anyone reading this is this: tell the people you love that you love them. Call a friend. Make peace with an argument. Yes, we all get frustrated. We argue. We yell at our kids. We argue with a spouse or maybe even a friend. That is life. But learn from my experience with a sudden loss and take this opportunity to spread love, create joy. Don’t take time for granted. Don’t take loved ones or friendships for granted. It is all a gift. Be grateful for the gift.
“Today I shall Behave, as if this is the day I will be remembered.” Dr. Seuss
